Post Conscious

29/04/3010

Time unknown

Full entry:

What’s in a year? What does it mean?

A rush of things I try to remember whole heartedly. A collection of thoughts carelessly trying to push their way to the present. Time … a hollow well, almost out of water now, desperately trying moving on but still pensive. But there is space you don’t know, I don’t know … like a valley desperately seeking its place in the overwhelming depth of the whole universe.

DV.

23/02/3010
Time unknown

Full entry:

It wasn’t so long ago when I woke up next to you. Awake from a dream into another much sweeter. A kind of realization that maybe we could stop looking. Then we kissed. Our heads meet in a kind of congregation of two. Maybe we should stop wondering? Our noses rubbed, transcending talk, into a world of touch. This was it, I thought. Then our eyes met … I blink, you blink … like a kind of dance. I caught your heartbeat, then I sunk myself into its rhythm. I’m floating in a sea of you.

It’s exactly this I’m thinking now. Haphazardly holding on to it or grasping for its air. I have to think this now. I need to think this now. This morning I had woken up with a wonderful feeling but it wasn’t you. Awake into another dream, much sweeter.




DV.

24/07/3005
Time unknown

Full entry:

Fear is subjective but it evolves. When you are younger you fear much simpler things; the dark, silence and maybe the jungle. What does not kill us makes us stronger, but with this our fears also grow. My fears are almost invincible now. They have adapted the worst possible attribute for me to face … stealth.

I don’t know what my fear is or fears are. I assume there are many and I know they are there. I fear time when I think about yesterday or any other moment in time and I fear the unbearable future too because it is unthinkable. I fear the things I cannot think about. I fear space … how I long for it but fear emptiness. I fear words.

They creep on me when there is nothing. They catch me by surprise after something, or an event, and then create space for a void.

Sometimes I tell myself it is almost an illusion or a show. Almost like being absorbed in a good novel or play … living in that fictitious moment. It is an evoked emotion probably by virtue of the subconscious. But the more I tell myself this, the more my fears grow because they feed on reason. That is what I have learned.

I have to lose my reasoning and embrace this void.

DV.

?/?/3010 (date unknown)
2630 hours

First part of entry missing except a few lines at the bottom:

… most importantly I am stepping outside of …

… with such rigorous consciousness that I have considered leaving …

… yesterday I didn’t write about what …

Second part of entry starts here:

They are at it again. I am apprehensive about them. It seems like the thing called equality has extended beyond any imaginable boundary. There seems to be no more graves for names to be turning in too and I cannot make a cliche statement here. Everything has to go through the collective arbitration of humankind. (I don’t think we they should be called humankind). However it took a while for it to be called that.

Yesterday I tried to give my seat to an experienced person. I got the stares.

We have stepped into the nothingness we have created out of the necessity of something.

I have not seen a genuine smile for about 5 years now. It is thirty passed the 26th hour, I have to go.

Until next time,
DV.